Mommy hates my boyfriend.

~~ Extract from the first few pages of a late 80's diary~~

6th December
Wednesday
6:48 PM

Hi. My name is Sasha. I am 16 years old. I am very pretty and have the pinkest frock in my entire school. I also have the biggest collection of dollhouses in the whole wide world. Secretly, i have a poster of Patrick Swayze hidden away between the second and third layers of my bed. I kiss it every night before i go to bed. He is the most handsome man in the whole wide world.

I have a boyfriend. His name is John. He is 19 years old. He is so tall and has such muscular arms, just like Patrick. He wears a leather jacket just like Patrick did in Dirty Dancing. He brings me flowers all the time. He has a nice bike on which he makes me sit and hold him tightly while he shows me around town. He is the sweetest guy in the whole wide world.

I have a mommy. I call her mommy. She is old and does not understand me. She hates me. She hates everything i do. She wants me to be boring like her. She hates it when i am out with Johnny. She calls him a good-for-nothing ruffian. She says that he is buying me all those gifts to get me to let him touch me in all the wrong places. But i like her. She makes the best blueberry pie in the whole wide world. She also combs my hair and powders my cheeks when i'm not going out with Johnny.

8th December
Friday
7:32 AM

 Today, Johnny is taking me to the lake. We'll go boating and have our own little picnic in the woods across the lake. I think i hear his bike coming down the road. Yes, here he comes now..

11:17 PM

Oh my..  What a bizzarrely frightful day i've had. The Bobbies just left. I've been answering their questions for the past 4 hours. It feels so perfectly awful. Let me tell you about it.

It all began so beautifully. Johnny brought me a bunch of red roses which he knew were my favourite. Then, he said that i looked more beautiful than he had ever seen me. He was so sweet. We sat on his bike and rode all the way to the lake. He even told me when we paused in between that my hair looked beautiful when it was flying in the wind. He looked so manly when he said that. Turning around to look at me, in his leather jacket, with a line of sweat running down the side of his face to his stubble. I almost kissed him there. When we got to the lake, we saw that it was deserted. I guess not too many people have the time to take off and enjoy themselves on a perfectly pleasant friday morning. Johnny went over to the boat rental place nearby. While he was speaking to him, i saw him gesture toward me and the boat rental guy stared at me for a bit. Now that i think of it, it was almost a wolfish stare..

Once we were on the lake, safe with the basket i was carrying for the picnic, i felt like i had never felt before. I was happier than when mommy had told me, after a phone call, that i had won my town's beauty contest when i was in school. Well, me and 6 others, but i had won anyway. The boat wasn't a big one. It had low sides and seemed pretty old. It was very sturdy though and it seemed as though nothing could make it turn over. Suddenly, Johnny came close to me and pulled me to him. I didn't resist. He started to kiss me all over my face. I was surprised, but again, i didn't resist. I couldn't. I could smell him and feel his breath on me. I don't know what it did but i couldn't stop him. Suddenly, i felt his hand crawl under my top. It really felt like a spider was crawling up my skin. Mommy was right after all. It felt so weird. I couldn't believe what was happening but i gathered enough courage to ask him to stop. I doubt he even heard me. I tried to push him away but his grip was too strong. He only pulled me closer to him. I began to panic. We were very close to the woods. If i screamed, i doubted any one would hear me at all. But i screamed at the top of my lungs. I was angry. I was confused. I was hurt. Yet he continued to force himself on me. And then the most incredulous thing happened. I have been trying to tell the Bobbies but they just won't believe me. But i know you will..

Right there, in the middle of nowhere, emerged a weird looking head, like that of a dinosaur i've seen on the flintstones. It continued to come out of the water, it's neck must have been at least twice as long as me. I felt John take his hands off me, but i was too scared to look at him. The dinosaur came down so quickly and picked up John and disappeared under water that i couldn't believe my eyes. I didn't know what to do. I was so scared that it would eat me too. I rowed to the shore as fast as i could and used the little money i always carry to catch a ride home. Then i told mommy and she called the station and the Bobbies came. And no matter how many times they ask me, this is what i'll tell them. This is the truth!

If i had two extra hours a day..

                                                               Image Source                                             

I would dream!

What's that, you ask? Be a lazy person and do nothing useful? What a woeful miserable existence!

Nay, nay. Let me explain. Dreams. Dreams are all that make life worth living. What worth is a man if he does but not dream?

What rubbish, you say. A nincompoop you call me.

But little do you realise the meaning i mean or see the world i see. One day i sit in class and i wonder to myself, how was life during the crusades? The next day, in the Orient in the age of the dragons i want to be! And with a hyper-imaginative mind like mine, even sky isn't the limit, you see. And that's all it takes, a moment of quirk, to rid me of life's monotony. I'm not like most people, i just am not. I don't see much joy in gossiping or giggling or 'just hanging out'. But less happier than any, consider me foolishly not. Yes, the world is stuck in a rot, it is. With most people strolling in and out of life, never seeing what a fantasy it might be. But i care naught for them as i soar over their heads, overseeing my kingdom, upon my dragon, with glee.

What nonsense are you saying man, you say.

Ah well, let me explain, slowly and painfully, again. But remember you, before you read on, to be true to yourself and think about what i spew.
Every morning, you wake up. Some with a smile on your face, most with a loathsome hate for the daily chores you do not want to do. And just as you're done with them, you unfurl your newspaper to view news that does not please you. Annoyed, you switch to your television and view things which make every moral fibre in you scream in utter disgust, ack, pthooey. You move on to your office, where you sit in a cubicle, working for a man you'd never in your life wish to be. And you smile and you wave and greet people you wish would wipe that fake smile off their faces so you could do so too and just.. just let you be.. It only gets worse past office as you drag your feet home and see your family. He has this problem, she has that and yet her friend's friend's friend has yet another. Curse them in your mind, silently you do, that they are your problem, if only they would just let you be!

That's how you've lived all your life and how you will continue to be. Going to school and by-hearting history you never wanted to learn, wishing you'd been in one of those battles yourself, born and dying free. Listening to your economics teacher talking about Mao and wishing you'd been in those admirable boots indeed. Writing exams you never wanted to write, choosing colleges you never wanted to choose, sharing food you never wanted to share, performing dares you think wouldn't make sense to a mare. And that is how most people come and go, never truly doing anything for yourself. never truly living the dream. Some of us, when told the above, would probably nod solemnly, yet point out with sadness of the greatest degree, that there isn't enough time in a day, there just isn't enough to go around being free.

But.. if you had 2 extra hours a day, doesn't it seem like what your heart would seek? Seek what, you ask. Ha ha, anything you want, feel free! Because, that's the good things about dreams, there are No limits, you see! You can be groovy like Elvis or eccentric like Seuss, or if you so wish, be a wrinkly old moose! You could gather up all your worries and slay them to quarters, dancing and jiggying around them, singin' smoke on the water. You could finally kiss that pretty girl you always wanted to, get her to be the naughty naugggghty girl you know she wants to be. You can walk on water, you can fly. You can even talk to your dead goldfish and tell her it ain't goodbye. You could run over all the people whose habits you hate, without so much as having to pay a parking fine in rebate. You could find the cure for AIDS, you could eradicate racism, even discover the secret to Houdini's tricks or win the Nobel prize, just for kicks. You could be where you wanted to, do what you wanted to and, at the end of it all, go to bed happy. Because you know now, you do, that you'll wake up next morning safe in the knowledge that, at the end of everybody's twenty four hours, you have an extra two or four or a hundred, to be who you wanted to be :)

A lion's tail..

Aaah.. Children's Day Special!! :)

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there arrived a monkey. He had the longest tail in that kingdom now, did he. The king of the forest was a big ol' lion. He had a long long tail. Why, even the longest in the kingdom claimed he. Quite obviously, it didn't sit well with the king that his majestic tail was no longer the longest in town. He paced and he paced and he twisted & turned, even tossed the queen out of the bed a couple of turns. "Argh!" growled the queen, "Enough is enough. If you worried this much about your mane, i would probably go insane." "But, my dear queen.." said the lion, " You simply don't understand. I must, I must have the longest tail in the land!" "Must you toss me out of bed for that?" the queen replied, "And ruin my painted nails? Go speak to your ministers, if you must, about longer tails." Defeated in his own bed, the lion sighed to himself. "Of course my darling, of course" he said.


The ministers had the biggest conundrums of their lives to solve the next day, they did. For their king was in gloom. And if they didn't rid him of it, they knew, they were destined for doom. Said the bear, in his gruff old voice, "We could make the monkey leave this kingdom, if that be your choice." "No" said the lion, "I'm not that cruel. Just because he has a longer tail, i will not deprive him of his gruel." "May i suggest a clip-on to remove your frown?" quipped the vixen, "Your majesty, they're the latest things in town." "Hmm" said the lion, "Sounds kind of nice. Rush and get me a clip-on before i'm laughed at by mice!"


Now, the jungle being the jungle, didn't quite have its technology up to boot. The king ended up with a clip-on which had a saw-tooth. The lion howled & yelped and clutched at his mane. But, he told himself, it was much better than the shame. Bravely the king soldiered on for a week, till he couldn't speak any more without uttering a little squeak. His tail felt like it was on fire. Yet, he told himself, it was the only solution to this mire. Said the lion to his wife, "I cannot take this anymore. My tail feels so sore. It feels like i have a nail, hammered into every inch of my tail."


News came the next day, that the monkey had moved on. Having had his fill of the fruit, he could not stay long. Onward he moved, thinking this jungle was a bore. Little did he realise, he had left a king very very sore..


photo credit: http://clipartbestpicturegallery.blogspot.com/2010_03_01_archive.html

The bimbo

There was once a pretty girl, a girl so pretty.

To her, she had entire books of poems dedicated.

Wrote some of her rosy cheeks, while of her silky hair some.

And showered day and night with gifts was she.

Some brought her flowers, some shiny earrings

And yet others tried to win her over with plain ol' chivalry.

Not only pretty, but infinitely nice was she

And not one left in disappointment, only glee.



It came not as a shock to many but her

As the doctor sighed and twirled his hair

Finally he turned and said to her..

Well, that's it, You've got herpes.

Instead of the shock and grief he expected to eclipse her face

A blank stare and nonchalance found he.

What a brave girl, thought he to himself

Till she parted her lips and said..

Oh, do i have to take shots to get rid of that? How does that happen?

Facepalmed the doctor himself, before he sent her home with all the right answers.



Slowly the number of admirers dwindling watched she

As the disease spread without concern or mercy.

And once the last of them was gone, she feared

That not much about the world knew, did she.

So used to the vile gifts had grown the pretty girl

That forgotten to become smart and fend for herself had she.

But, she thought to herself, let me make myself some tea.

After all, how hard could it be?

And so it happened that an hour later, the neighbours heard a shattering blast.

As, fidgeting with the gas cylinder, the pretty girl was gone at last.

The End.



p.s. Herpes is not the end of the world. Do check these folks to make yourself feel better.

A mother's love

It was a pleasant evening. The sun was just dipping beyond the horizon, a cool breeze was making its way through the closely packed huts and the usual stench seemed lesser. The mongrels seemed to have disappeared, leaving behind nothing but silence, broken only by the occasional cry of one of the toddlers who seemed a dozen a dime, in this colony. Somewhere far away, if one really strained their ears, they could hear what seemed like a quarrel between two old women. Then again, one could also lose themselves in the the soothing yet lost melody, as the widow who lived in the last hut on the left tried sing away her sorrows. To one eye, it appeared a perfect scenario. To another, almost an eerie calm before the storm..

And a pleasant evening it still was, when Ni'mah came skipping in to her home. She hurried to her mother, who was busy in the little portion of the hut that had been designated as the kitchen area. "Ammi Jaan" she said, "My teacher called me very good today. I wrote the entire tables of 9 before everyone else." "Hmm, that's good. Your abba will be very happy" replied Shafana. Disappointed with not having received the excited response she wanted, Ni'mah continued, "Nobody else did it for ten minutes after i finished. The teacher said i was very smart!" Lost in her own thoughts, Shafana again absently replied "Very good, sweetheart." Disappointed, Ni'mah turned towards the door and was about to exit, when she saw Ahmed jaan running through the colony, screaming at the top of his lungs..

At first, it seemed like he was being chased by the scourges of hell themselves, but soon, as he got closer and closer, Shafana heard the commotion and joined her daughter at the door. 'They're coming.. They're here..' he seemed to be shouting. 'Who is here?' wondered Ni'mah to herself. She turned to ask her mother, but stopped halfway when she noticed the expression on her mother's face. Shafana was shocked. She had heard of all the mobs which were victimising Muslims, but she had prayed fervently to Allah, that they would never come this way. She had heard too many horrifying stories of how the mobs had destroyed & desecrated entire families to be able to keep courage and she felt her feet give way..

Being the bright girl she was, Ni'mah immediately ran over, picked up some water and sprinkled it on the face of her mother, who regained consciousness, appearing ten years older than she had done ten minutes before.
"What happened, ammi?"
"Nothing sweetheart, nothing. I must be tired. I didn't eat properly in the afternoon."
"Ammi, what was Ahmed jaan saying? Who is coming?"
"Ni'mah, my dear, you know that your abba and I love you a lot, right? You're the prettiest, smartest girl in the world."
"Ammi, tell me.. who is coming?"
"*sigh* It's the Hindus. They're coming in mobs. It'll be alright. Don't worry."
"Ammi, why are they coming? Why would i worry?"
"Nothing sweetheart. Some people did very bad things to Hindus on a train. Some of them think that every muslim should be punished. Don't worry, nothing will happen to us, Allah will protect us.."
"But ammi, doesn't Allah get angry with people who do bad things? Isn't that what abba keeps telling me? And even my teacher at school tells us that Hindus, Muslims, Christians and everybody else is equal. Isn't it, ammi?"
*sob*
"Ammi, why are you crying?"
"Nothing, Ni'mah, nothing. Yes, you're right. Allah does not like people who do bad things. He will punish whoever did any wrong to anyone. But the Hindus do not believe in Allah. They have become blind with anger. Allah will protect us. Allah will forgive them.."
"But ammi, even if they don't believe in Allah.. is it still not wrong to do bad to others. Aren't they still human?"

Before Shafana could reply, screams began to escalate through the colony. From the doorway, Shafana could see men dressed as priests and whatnot dragging out women from the homes, striking them mercilessly. Then, she noticed something which froze her in horror at the sheer magnitude of the vulgarity. Afsana, her friend's 12 year old daughter was stripped naked and being passed around amongst the wolfish mob, who, it appeared by the dancing lights of their torches, had developed vulpine teeth and devilish horns. Afsana's mother lay nearby, her clothes in shreds and some hairy beast on top of her, while more beasts with greedy eyes surrounded the scene like vultures, waiting for their share of the spoils.

Quickly bolting the door, Shafana huddled in the corner with the now silent Ni'mah, saying all her prayers, hoping that the mob would not come their way. She thought of how much she loved Ni'mah, her abba and how much he owed to him. She thought of what she had just seen and though she wanted to throw up, she couldn't muster the courage to move from the corner she was huddled in. Much though she tried, she couldn't get the scene out of her head. All of a sudden, the scene seemed suddenly surreal and she saw Ni'mah in place of Afsana.. Overcome with disgust, she tried to push the image out of her mind. But before she could, she saw vivid images of herself, knife in hand, trying to fight away the beasts, and seeing that there were too many, putting the knife through her daughter's heart, feeling like it was going through her own..

Ni'mah, who was already shivering, shuddered as there were loud thuds on the door. She could hear chants in praise of the Hindu gods outside. She didn't want to go out. She wanted the door to remain closed, forever. It felt very comfortable in the warm embrace of her mother. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, she saw her mother grab the kitchen knife. Was she going to fight away the bad people? As the thumping increased, the door began to give way. As it slowly but surely started to move out of its hinges, Ni'mah's heart began to pound and she turned to look at her mother. Her mother was crying, very clearly. And then she noticed something peculiar. Her mother's hand, holding the knife seemed to be raised. It was now moving down, it seemed, towards Ni'mah's heart and she slowly watched it come closer and closer..

Photo credit: http://outhouseworldphoto.wordpress.com/2007/10/27/muslim-malaygirl/

Samsung Galaxy Tab 750 - Hands on!

After a lazy kicked-back saturday afternoon at chai point with 'rj ranjaan', i was finally off on my way to the Goldfinch hotel, for my first indiblogger meet, ever. Little did i know, as i bounced on the balls of my feet in excitement, that i would be stuffed into one of those shiny local buses with overly loud telugu/tamil/kannada cinema blaring through the speakers before i got there. But got there i did.

Now, i'm not a person who likes wasting too much time when i'm somewhere with a purpose (which, sadly, doesn't seem to apply to my general life) and off i set, charging straight to the point where the galaxy tabs were being doled out. Sadly enough, i didn't manage to land my hands on one right away. So, off it was, to the presentation by sarfaraz, which, given that it was an informal saturday afternoon, was pretty much all that could have been asked for. Free sweatshirts flowed through the halls, like the rain did through the streets outside. And some delicioso high-tea and "performance" discussions later, i finally had my hands on one of those beauties.

At the very outset, it was clear as day that the bright screen was something worth drooling over. (see what i did there? heh.) The display was definitely better than any i had ever seen. Trust me, held it wayy close to my eyes and checked. The pixel density of 149 ppi really pays off here and makes it the perfect device to use if you want to watch a movie/show on a bus ride. Another thing, quite akin to the iPad 2 was the lightness and the overall feel. The Galaxy Tab so light, it made me weigh my phone twice, just to compare. Throw in a classy finish as well and you're in for a certain visual delight.

Another thing very important to me is my music. And i certainly would appreciate the comfort of being able to keep my ipod/walkman at home some day, for some reason, knowing that the galaxy tab would be right there for me. Out came the XB-300s for a test ride. And i wasn't disappointed, at all. While i did not manage to figure out a way to edit the levels of bass and treble, the galaxy tab still provided me with better quality on music than my laptop did. Thumbs up, there.

As far as the performance was concerned, everything seemed to run smooth, even when i was streaming music through the browser in the background, using a 'live' wallpaper and using the integrated gmaps. The browser, in itself, was laudable, having adobe flash 10.2 and rendering websites pretty much the same as on a full-blown computer. Another lovely feature, from earlier, is the way e-books can be read almost like real ones, turning of pages et al included. Of course, the readers hub may take a while to catch on, but it's definitely a healthy addition.

There was one tiny blackspot, however, as the touchscreen seemed to fail to respond a couple of times, not more than once on each occasion though. However, this slight tardiness in responding to touch may very well be something which can be made a non-issue with a particular way of touching the screen. And, maybe, just maybe, samsung could have let the android music player as stock, rather than integrating it with the touchwiz ux. Still, overall, a very healthy competitor for the tab market. Gonna run the iPad close, this one is.

The rain in the coffee shop

As i stood there, in the rain, backpack in tow, imagining that the scene looked like one of the timeless classics and i, like Gregory Peck, my thoughts started to drift. I know not when the two worlds collided for they seemed to have merged seamlessly and i found myself in a coffee shop. Not just any coffee shop. The coffee shop where i had finally met her..

It was all a haze, the past. All those times we'd celebrated over being Scorpios, all those shared jibes we'd taken at people we didn't like, all those promises we believed we would keep, never having met once in real life. All the wonderful music we shared, all the empty silences we braved..

It all came down to that moment, where love ends and hurt begins. And hurt, often causes one to hurt. 'May be you'll blog about me,' she said. 'You'd like that, wouldn't you?' said i, with an imperfect, unsure smirk. 'But, you know what's wrong with you?' i carried on, laying it all out, one icy shard after the other, silently praying she would change her mind. And we spent the final moments in silence.

As i left, having shook the hand of this tender flower whom i wanted to caress and hold in my arms, the words reverberated in my ear 'It's wrong. You're so much younger. It's just wrong..' And so they shall, for a long time..

The cow who fell from the sky

Spockett was mad. He was so mad he could have pulled his lone eye right out of its stalk and played bounce with it to calm himself down. Nothing was right today. The biiglie machine was out of order, Kirkon had called in sick and most importantly, the claw seemed to have developed a mind of its own. He walked over to the edge of the craft to see if the cloud cloaking him was still intact. As he leaned over the railing, cursing under his breath, he saw that it indeed was. Slightly relieved, he walked over to the radar and hit the scan button. Soon enough, it lit up with green dots indicating the scores of clueless bovine which dotted the landscape that this 'unidentified flying object' was zooming across. 'Beanie Weenie shiny doe, i pick you to feed my bro' chanted Spockett as his finger flit across the radar screen pointing from one dot to another. 'Naaah', he said to himself, 'that dot doesn't nearly look plump enough. Oh well, i guess i'll just take.. mmmmm.. this one.'
Lisa was having a good day. She always had a good day. She had a fixed schedule which suited her just fine. She wasn't like one of the countless street cattle. She was a thoroughbred. The way her hips swayed, nobody's did and the way her bell chimed, none did. She only had the greenest of grass to feed on and had, on more than one occasion, sent the farmhand scurrying to find her a better pasture to graze on. Her milk was simply wonderful, she believed. Which is why the farmer used it to make cheese and sell it, instead of sending her considerable stature to the butcher-shop. Today was, like we have read before, a good day. Ah, there was Gregory. She thought she'd amble over and say 'moo. So, off she set, her bell chiming in tune to her swaying. She was closer to him, closer to him, almost there, moving farther away, farther away, he was just a speck now.. Wait, she looked around frantically, she was flying! Some sort of claw from a cloud seemed to be carrying her. After 'mooing herself hoarse for a few minutes, she said to herself, out of the blue 'Hmm, this ain't so bad afterall!' So, she leaned back, trying to find herself a nice and comfy position. All of a sudden, she found herself falling. 'Moooo!' she said, 'Moooo!'

'Drat!' said Spockett to himself, 'That's gonna leave a mess.'

Nathan was a man of god. He was a man of principles. He was a virtuous man. He ardently abhorred all sins of the flesh and of the mind. He religiously practiced all the rituals prescribed to him. He helped the needy and the poor and prayed to the lord to forgive the evil and the wicked. He believed in the power of prayer. He believed in heaven. He believed in hell. He protected his soul from the devil. He had never uttered a single foul word in his entire life. He had never let the demon cloud his judgement. Today, as Nathan was walking down the road, he saw a cow being dragged to the butchers'. Being the principled anti-cruelty activist that he was, he rushed to the spot. 'Spare this here cow, brother' he said, 'for only the lord hath the power to give and to take!' After being scoffed at mightily by the butcher, Nathan finally parted with a few pieces of silver and set the cow on her way. 'Take care my friend,' he said, 'May you live happily with the grace of the Lord, our shepherd.' As he started walking down the street, he thought he heard somebody say 'moooove'. Startled, he looked around. Finding nothing, he was about to carry on when he heard the voice again; 'moooove' it said. In the hope that it would be Divine grace (and that heaven lies upwards, for some reason), Nathan looked up, only to see Lisa raining down upon him. 'Oh, fuck!' he said.

'Phew', whistled Spockett to himself, 'That was messy.'
The End.

A Knight's Tale - Sir Samsung Galaxy Tab 750

The Kingdom of Earth was in panic. All around, gloom & despair seemed to penetrate, seeping through the very walls. In his courtroom, King Society frantically paced in front of his throne. His daughter, Princess Consumer had been kidnapped, yet again, by the powerful Desktopasaur. This wasn't the first time, but, Society was determined to make it the final time. He had therefore assembled a batch of famed Knights from far and wide to rid the kingdom of the cumbersome menace. Still pacing, Society made his way towards the open courtyard where amidst pomp, splendour and much hope & cheering from the eager, onlooking crowd, had gathered some of the most valiant knights. And, keeping in spirit with all fairy tales, the king had offered his daughter's hand in marriage to the successful knight. Amidst those staking claim to the Princess' hand were Sir Appel, Sir Flier, Sir Whoawei and Sir Xoum. Even as the King stood on the podium addressing the gathered knights, a tear welling up in his eye, he heard loud cheers from the far end of the courtyard. Eagerly, he turned his head in the direction of the applause and was treated to the glorious marvel of a brilliantly bright screen. Sir Samsung Galaxy Tab 750 had arrived. With his large 10.1" crystal sharp display and 149 ppi pixel density, it was no surprise that the entire crowd along the courtyard was now on their feet in anticipation of their new saviour. As Sir Galaxy 750 approached the podium, Society felt his heart inflate with hope. All introductions were made and addressals undertaken with it being decided that the knights would set out on their quests the next morning. But, quite obviously, the arrival of a new suitor did not sit down very well with the established knights. So, they got together to plant seeds of suspicion in  the mind of the king, through their channels and succeeded in doing so. Now, while Society was a wise ol' man, he knew that gaining the trust and respect of the other knights would be vital in Sir Galaxy 750's arduous quest. So, he decided to give in to the pressure and set a challenge of preliminary tasks to be performed. 'Sir Galaxy', he said in the wee hours of the morning, 'While Customer is of grave concern to me, i must also please my subjects and instil their confidence in you. Hence, i request you to help our local birds retrieve their eggs from a bunch of rogue pigs, obtain a list of videos on request from our artistes and help our students finish their projects. All this, i've been asked to tell you to complete by dawn.' The other knights, confident that no knight could finish all these tasks in such a short time, congratulated themselves on having eliminated a part of the competitors before they had even set out on their quest. Little did they know of Sir Galaxy 750's 1 Ghz dual core processor, thanks to his good friend, professor Nvidia. Sir Galaxy 750 smiled to himself as he heard Society speak. This would all be over in a jiffy and when dawn came, there would be much less gloom over the kingdom as a new hope would have been established.

Morning arrived, sun dawned and the other knights stepped out of their chambers with a grin on each of their faces only to have it wiped off as they did a double take on the scenes in front of them. Sir Galaxy 750 was being carried to the palace in a procession. The kingdom seemed to have temporarily forgotten about Desktopasaur. Or maybe they had just begun to believe that their saviour was finally here. Looking down from his balcony, King Society nodded to himself. Yes, he had made the right choice. And, he whispered to himself, 'I shan't tell anyone but i think i have a favourite'. Now, the set of knights was truly worth awe-inspiring. 

Soon after, the knights were gathered on the high-grounds, each prepared to truly give his best to win over the princess. As they set off on their quest, Desktopasaur (D-saur hereon, for convenience) had hatched his own plans for them. With the wide array of minions at his disposal and the treacherous terrain between the palace and his dungeons, D-saur had no intentions of letting Consumer out of his grasp. So it was that when the knights hadn't been travelling for too long, they suddenly found themselves sent tumbling over. A trench had been dug up and covered with false terrain. As the knights landed at the bottom of the deep trench, they heard a sickening crash. Almost immediately after, they heard Sir Whoawei moan. He had been rendered incapable of carrying on. The other knights silently prayed for the fallen. As Sir Galaxy 750 rose from the trench, he also dedicated a silent prayer to his good friend Professor Corning who had provided him with the highly durable Gorilla Glass, thereby protecting him from harm.  Thanks to the Gorilla Glass, he had managed to escape without a single scratch, quite literally.

D-saur, however, was in no mood to relent. Even as he watched with joy the vanquished knight, he ordered for the next attack to be launched. A heavy smoke-screen filled the forest region which they had emerged into and even as he escaped the scene of the chaos, Sir Galaxy 750 could feel one of the other knights weakening. As he emerged from the cloud, he tried to make contact via one of the impressive multiple channels he had. He could communicate over 3G, EDGE, GPRS, wi-fi and even bluetooth 3.0! Gradually, he managed to find Sir Appel's signal, which seemed to be far away while Sirs Flier and Xoum seemed to have gone under the radar. Being the gallant and noble knight that he was, Sir Galaxy 750 would never be the one to leave behind a kin. So, again he tried and this time, received a signal from Sir Xoum, who seemed to have developed problems with connectivity. Sir Galaxy 750 transmitted his co-ordinates to Sir Xoum, who came running in soon after, bearing the sad news of Sir Flier's inability to carry on. Sir Flier had developed problems with connectivity and being unable to communicate with the other knights had become lost in the smoke, eventually collapsing to the ground where Sir Xoum had come across him and had had to leave him behind. Having prayed for another of their fallen brethren, the two knights turned their focus to finding Sir Appel and resuming their quest to vanquish this menace once and for all. Being unable to communicate effectively, Sir Xoum silently followed Sir Galaxy 750 as the latter made use of his A-gps with turn by turn navigation to make his way precisely through the dense, unforgiving forest. Sir Appel, from the other end seemed to be making an effort of his own to rejoin the questing party. And soon enough, the two parties found themselves in close range of each other. While both could sense it, the thick forest terrain made visibility highly diminished and Sir Galaxy 750 knew they would have to rely on sound. While Sir Appel tried to generate the loudest shout possible, it only seemed like a cry from far. Sir Appel himself was very doubtful whether anybody would have heard it. But, Sir Galaxy 750 had indeed done so and in response, he activated his own powerful Surround Sound speakers which played a tune highly crisp and melodious, yet not at all blaring and loud enough to be clearly audible to Sir Appel. The knights were rejoined and they rejoiced for a solitary moment before being overcome with solemn seriousness on the task which lay ahead of them. 

As the knights marched on, the lone turret above the dungeons loomed large on the horizon and, just as the sun was about to set, the knights came across a long trench filled with water surrounding the turret. The only way to get across, it was written there, was to seek the permission of the guard and in order to please the guard, one had to make a portrait of him and present it for evaluation. If he was pleased, the guard would let him through without any questions asked. If not, the attemp would end in disaster with the maker of the portrait being thrown to the bottom of the trench to lie in a watery grave. The knights tensed. This was no ordinary guard. This was the famed Windoos. The knights knew, from lore, that an effort to eliminate Windoos would be nigh impossible and hence, decided to make the smarter choice. As they looked around, they saw no sign of the old guard. Yet, they knew it would be foolish to make an attempt to cross the bridge without his permission first. So, they looked closer and closer until it was Sir Galaxy 750 who, with the help of his Ambient light sensors, discerned a figure in the dark. It was indeed the legendary Windoos. Windoos took one look at them and immediately stood up. Slowly, he curved his right arm to show off his muscles and broke into a toothy smile. 

As the knights pondered what to do next, Windoos stood still. He had seen many contenders for D-saur's dungeon before and none had passed by him.But there seemed to be something special about these knights. They were like none he had ever seen before. They were almost similar to D-saur yet so light and beautiful. Eventually, the most impressive looking of them all stepped forward to take a picture of him. The knight said his name was Sir Galaxy 750 and proceeded to take a picture with his 3MP HD-capable camera. Windoos was very skeptical about how these knights would perform. No one yet had managed to impress him enough to be let across the bridge. Yet, he knew there was something different about this knight as a bright LED flash accompanied the making of his portrait. The knight bravely walked up to him and displayed the portrait on his glorious 10.1" screen. And, to the slightly bemused Windoos, Sir Galaxy 750 went on to display the wide array of applications which could be used to make the portrait even more magnificient using Honeycomb, the latest version of Android which flowed through his veins. Windoos was mighty impressed and let Sir Galaxy through. Still on a heady high, Windoos simply approved the next knight to pass through. However, when the thrid knight showed his rendition of Windoos' portrait, Windoos was not very impressed. In moments, the smile on his face disappeared and he let out a roar of fury before picking up the knight and dumping him into the waters of the trench before he had even had a a chance to react.

Sir Galaxy 750 and Sir Xoum looked back as they heard a roar and were in time only to catch glimpses of Sir Appel being decimated. Filled with sadness for their lost friend, the two knights hurried along lest the guard should change his mind before they reached the turret. The guard, however, didin't and the bridge was safely crossed. As they arrived at the base of the turret, there seemed to be no way in. Upon closer inspection, however, they discovered a slim slit in the  wall. It could barely be discerned, being only 90 mm wide. Sir Xoum's heart sank. There seemed no other way of entering the dungeons and the extra bulk which he had put on, against the advice of his well-wishers had finally led to his detriment. He tried to put up a brave face and asked Sir Galaxy 750 to carry on, while he would stand guard outside. Sir Galaxy 750, being incredibly crafted and only 86 mm thin made it easily through the slit after having embraced Sir Xoum and expressed his condolences. As Sir Galaxy 750 entered the dim-lit dungeons of D-saur, his Ambient Light Sensors again tinkled, carefully taking in all of the surroundings. The dungeon seemed to be a network of intertwined serpentine tunnels and it was said that D-saur had fortified himself in, built the turret on top and had never been out. How Princess Consumer had been brought in remained a mystery, yet Sir Galaxy 750 knew that his priority was to rescue the princess from D-saur's grip. As he carefully proceeded, D-saur was also out of his chamber looking to end this quest once and for all. Sir Galaxy 750 could hear silent sobs emanating from a room somewhere in the dungeon and as he was following it, he saw D-saur leap at him. With any ordinary knight, it would have been stealthy enough perhaps, but with his 3MP HD-enabled back camera and 2MP front camera, Sir Galaxy 750 was truly aware of his surroundings on all sides. In a flash, Sir Galaxy 750 leaped in the same direction and when both landed, only one stood tall. Sir Galaxy 750 had done it. Princess Consumer was no longer at the mercy of Desktopasaur. She had been freed and opened to a whole new world of possibilities where brave knights roamed the land. In moments, Sir Galaxy 750  found the princess who, true to character, fell in love-at-first-sight. As he took her in his arms, Sir Galaxy 750 felt the air around him constrict. It was almost as if he was being sucked into nothingness. He closed his eyes. And when he opened them, he was back at the palace, princess in arms.. 

'Ah', said the wise advisor of the kingdom, 'Princess Consumer had the power to break free from the clutches of Desktopasaur any time she wanted to, but only a true knight such as Sir Samsung Galaxy Tab 750 could inspire her to do so. Very well, now that the curse has been broken, i would ask my lord that the festivities begin..' 'Indeed', nodded a visibly happy King Society, 'Our Kingdom has been rid of gloom and is looking to a bright new future. This does indeed call for celebrations. And to begin it all, let me start by raising a toast to the newly-wed couple.. To Princess Consumer & Sir Samsung Galaxy Tab 750, may they live together happily, forever..'

The End. 

For all those of you who love Tablets but missed it's launch, here's the launch of the Samsung Galaxy Tab 750 which, i assure you is totally zooming to the top!

p.s. Do leave a comment, if you like something in particular! :)
 

Who saved my cheese?

Seeing as this is to be my first post on Indiblogger and i wish to make my eccentricity well-known, let me tell you a short story, as i usually do when i'm tripping on coffee and it's past 3 in the morning.
Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a brave mouse. He was famous in the entire colony, for he had once stolen an entire family's weekly-worth of cheese in broad daylight and squeaked in defiance at the screaming landlady, before scampering back home. Well now, that wasn't all that brave you say, but mice being mice tend to have low standards for bravery. As his fame grew, so did he, quite literally. All he did was sat and ate his mother complained, in whatever little time she could spare from herding around all his younger siblings. He retorted with short unintelligible grunts and stuffed some more of the kind offerings which seemed to find their way, almost miraculously, to his plate. Then one day, out of the blue, came a squeaky shocker. One of his biggest admirers, came streaking down the drainage bearing news of a new hero to have emerged in the colony. He was nothing more than a mere ordinary mouse under yesterday's moonlight, but today, he had managed to collect cheese to suffice for an entire family for two weeks, squeaked away at the equally squeaky housekeeping lady and managed to poop on the rest of the cheese, before majestically strutting home past the terrified lady. Whether he had managed to get himself stuck in a bottle of wine the previous night, no one knew. But bravery comes in many forms and, as the wise old mouse preached during the sermons, 'When the heavens shower you with cheese, only a rat questions the will of the Lord!'
Now, our original hero, having been used to adulation, felt a little green with envy. As the days passed, his platter seemed to reduce in abundance and it only made him greener. One by one, his admirers began to dwindle and his glorified memories began to fade. This made him the greenest and he could take it no more. He told himself he could do it, he could reclaim the lost glory and swing back to the top of the chain, for he was He. The next morning, off he set scampering, unaware of the fact that mouse-hero number 2 had struck at exactly the same house as he had and that they didn't take too kindly to being insulted twice by mice. He hadn't ventured too far into the house, when he felt a bam! 'Yummy,' thought the newly arrived feline at the household, 'A fat juicy one!" And in two swift strides, he swooped down on the pudgy little fellow and gobbled him up, before strutting off and curling up into a soft ball of fur on the landlady's lap. Thus was saved the cheese.

Moral: Cat good, poop on cheese bad.

p.s. I know i have a twisted sense of humour and pretty poor language skills. But, it is 4 in the morning, for Chrissake! Thank me!

Bloody 'ell!

It's not every day that you wake up coughing blood and follow it up with being stuck in a 2-hour traffic jam, thanks to the raucous supporters of Mr. Hazare and generous dollops of rain. And all the while you're stuck in the traffic, you keep thinking to yourself, is this really necessary? While the answer may vary over a gigantic range depending on who you are, in my mind there is only one. And it is a resounding, bombastic 'no!'
Now, before you hop in, label me a traitor, stretch my comments beyond imagination, rip it to shreds and make me 'mysteriously disappear' in a plane crash over Bangladesh, hear me out, won't you? My argument is simply this: The average IQ, EQ and decision making ability of the collective outburst-ers is not even in the same plane as that of the decision makers. That does not, in any way, insinuate that the greasy politicians sitting in parliament are smarter than the citizens of India. It simply means they are smarter than today's rebels. They are smarter than the people who run off to the freedom park, dumping their duties. They are smarter than the people who pay autos over-the-meter fare in doing so. They are more mature than the people who scream out loud on facebook about how 'awesome' the experience was. They are much better at handling situations than the people who create events in support of this scourge of civil society and certainly oodles smarter than those who click on every single page which says 'anna'. For it is a decision being made by dignified people who understand that handling a country is not as simple as being an adamant ol' coot and threatening to inflict self-harm unless demands are met.
Now, we've all seen shameless creeps trying to get popular over the past few weeks, be it by writing about Rahul Gandhi or by photoshopping other prominent leaders on to some kids holding each others' wieners. Funnily enough, the moron who wrote about how Rahul Gandhi is a college dropout did not bother to stop and worry about the broken English that they were writing in. So intent were they on their two minutes in the spotlight and pointing fingers or perhaps just acutely aware of the fact that it is sensationalism which sells in India. For all you great supporters of the "second freedom struggle", i have a few questions, apart from the usual have you never paid a bribe, etc. Answer them honestly, if you will and ask yourself again, is this really necessary?

• Every time you've called a person from the North-East a 'Chingi', have you realised that you're implying that the North-East states and its people rightfully belong to China?
  
  
• For every time you talk of corruption, would you say no to more money?
  
  
• Every time you have been accused of a mistake, right from stealing a toffee in school to messing up a project at work, have you or have you not pointed a finger at someone else?
  
  
• Every time you have seen a suave successful person, have you or have you not wanted to be in their shoes? And then realising it is impossible come up with reasons to pull them down, be it their blue blood, silver spoon or their nexus?
  
  
• Have you ever put in an extra day's work, free of cost, because it will help take India forward?
  
  
• If "all the money stashed away in overseas accounts were to come back to India", would you be happy if none of the prices or taxes were reduced and to let it all go towards the upliftment of the poor, development of the North-East & Kashmir, compensation to the farmers who have been forced to take up weapons and been branded naxalites?
  
  
• Would you be happy to pay increased taxes so that the government officials and police get a better salary and don't have to accept bribes to maintain their families?
  
  
• Most importantly, aren't you being a stupid tool by blindly joining rallies and protests while you couldn't even hold your own for thirty seconds in a debate on the issue against any of the people whose personalities you attack with the most perverted of claims?

If you have given the 'wrong' answer to one or more of the above questions, don't you think it's about time you put down your placards and worked on improving yourself? It's a simple choice you have; enable a tyrant or enable yourself and others around you; spread anarchy or spread tolerance, understanding, maturity and a need for self introspection and personal principles. For unless you do, you will all be nothing more than mere babblers. And nobody respects babblers.

Microprocessor Love

For all those of you who wonder, here's what i do in microprocessors class. *Disclaimer* The characters in this story are purely fictional and in no way represent any real life people. Please keep your psychoanalysis to yourself and let me be! :p

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, lived our little, sweet dragon. It was a beautiful land, free of those pesky little humans, and our dragon was a happy fellow, was he.
But, as he woke up one morning feeling not quite at ease, he felt woozy and strange as if he had swallowed some bees. 'What could it be?' he wondered, 'The sheep, the cow or those delicious little seals?'. 'Ah well' he said to himself 'Maybe i'll take a little nap and wake up when i feel swell.' Three days passed as our dragon took a light snore. And then he woke up, still feeling a little sore. 'What could it be now?' he wondered. 'Now my stomach's empty and i hear ringing bells.'
Off he flew, to catch him some sheep, still wondering how he hadn't been cured, even after three days of wonderful sleep. Then he swooped down on a stray flock of sheep and as he picked up a fluffy one, he heard another weep. "Baa..aa..aa..by, come baa..aa..aa..ck". 'Interesting', thought the dragon to himself, later, as he picked his teeth, 'Hearing that cry made that odd feeling even more deep'.
Weeks passed by and they rolled into months. The dragon only grew miserable, till the fire was out of his lungs. This bothered him a great deal, it did. He had, after all, breathed fire since he was a kid. He felt cold and he shivered. What this great mystery was, by him, could not be deciphered.
He tried his best to get back his flame, for without it, he wouldn't quite be the same. Ate some jalapenos, peppers and chillies did he. But, they only tickled or got stuck in his teeth. He tried sparking stones all day, and, in the end managed only to set fire to some hay. Then, the evening slept and night dawned and he found fireflies spread out all across the lawn. He tried stuffing them into his mouth but he might as well have eaten a coat. So, sadly watching them, he sat, without his fire, feeling like an overgrown bat.
And then, under the moon's glow, he started to observe something slow. The fireflies seemed to glow brighter, they did, whenever they were in the company of the beautiful one chosen for them by cupid. And then it all struck him as if he had been slapped across the face with a squid.
For all this time he'd spent snacking, napping and zip-zapping, he'd always felt a li'l buzz that meant something was lacking. So, off he flew and found himself a pretty, sweet companion. And now, as they hunt together, the sheep's cries sound to him like melodies from an accordion. The End.

Shreyas.

Dear Sweet Lord!

Dear god, you know i don't ask for many things from you. Well, it is probably because i don't believe you exist. But hey, play along, alright? As you would hypothetically know, i don't like beating around the bushes much. No, sir. Catch the turkey, i say, and bash it's head right in. So, let's move on to business.

Now, living in a city filled with 7 million people, you would feel it's natural to dash into one or two souls once in a while. Or maybe you wouldn't know. Not many people make it to where you live, do they? You don't have to stand in the sweltering heat and wait for an overcrowded public transport vehicle with a score of other greasy people, beside you. Nor do you need to have your lunch in a canteen which is way to small to service the crowd that comes in. No, you don't. You don't have to smile and shrug away every single shove in your back when you're still waiting for those on board to descend. You don't have to control yourself everyday from turning around and telling the dimwit that two people can't be at the same spot at the same time and he's gonna have to ruddy wait if he wants to get on that bus. Also, if he has to satisfy his homoerotic fantasies, he can blasted well go and lay his hands on someone else. What's that you're saying? Oh, they're probably uneducated, malnourished or maybe just in a hurry to get somewhere. Yes, yes, i understand. You still can't get on board a bus unless the people are done descending, sorry. But, you see, down here, in the land of the petty mortals, we have these things called as colleges. They are supposed to be where people go to get 'wholesome' education. Etiquette and common courtesy, pretty much a part of it, you could say. What do i know of courtesy, you ask me? Well, skip along down here. Be nice to me, don't try to screw me over just because you can't understand me and you'll find out for yourself. So, at these colleges, we have canteens. We go there to eat food, hopefully with enough space so as to not spill someone else' coffee with barely a twitch of our nose. And, being the good boys that we are, we never forget to wash our hands at the end of our meal. To get to the wash basin earlier, we may cut in queue, push someone out of the way, simply use our hideous mass to plough through without as much as excusing ourselves and save a glorious 15 seconds. But hey, we wash our grimy ol' hands. That's what matters, right?

Now, dear sweet lord, don't get me wrong. I'm not a wimpy li'l crybaby who goes running home to his mommy whenever any small thing goes wrong. Mostly because i can't, but, you knew that already, didn't you? I'm all for everybody knuckling up and bracing themselves to live in a world where everybody is accepted and, as far as possible, every character, opinion and point of view be tolerated. Yes, what the H-man did to the J-s was wrong. But, there are other issues such as humour, such as personal taste which are widely hunted down and killed. Being politically correct is a pain in the you-know-what. And politically correct humour is not, should not and must not be the only accepted form. As long as someone finds it funny and it doesn't directly harm anyone, you're darn right, it's humour. And personal taste, oh almighty, is something everyone is entitled to, isn't it? Living in a world where Fat is the f-word, where you aren't allowed to say you like fair/dark people that bit more without being scrutinized and ostracized is a little trying at times. But hey, i'm a mere mortal, i'm supposed to bend over, aren't i?

Why i write to you, is to ask you to end this already. All the blabber above is just about strangers. You don't wanna hear me chatter about the 'near and dear' ones, do you? So, send over that great wave of yours, or come in yourself, riding on a magnificent white steed. Unleash Lucifer, if you will or just help Marvin the Martian succeed for once. You, obviously, can't or don't care enough to build an open-minded society. Why not screw us over, already?

Yours devotedly,
S.